Turning Pages at 21: Breaking Free from the Loop

Please tighten your seatbelts because this is going to be a bumpy ride.

From highs to lows, I’ll be sharing everything — my struggles, my fears, and my messy journey of figuring things out.

Let me start by introducing myself. My name is Ashlesha, and I’m 21 years old. Life felt like it was going too good to be true — until COVID hit and brought turbulence with it.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Many people like me must feel like they’ve been stuck in a loop since 2020 — as if time froze, leaving us still trying to process everything that’s happened.

Despite my efforts to move forward, I constantly find myself slipping back into procrastination and laziness. It’s frustrating because deep down, I know the real issue — it’s me. My fears. The fear of not being able to do anything worthwhile anymore. The fear that I’ll never be as good as I was before COVID. And most of all, the fear of starting over.

Being a perfectionist and a procrastinator is exhausting. Anything less than perfect feels like failure, and when I don’t do anything at all, guilt eats me alive.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. That’s why I decided to start this blog — not only to push myself out of this loop but also to connect with others who might feel the same. By sharing my journey, I hope to help someone else who’s feeling stuck and unmotivated.

The Fear of Falling Behind

Turning 21 felt like starting from scratch. The life I had before COVID seemed so much easier compared to the fast-paced world I face now. Suddenly, it feels like time is running out — I need to get a master’s degree, find a job, and step into the competitive world.
But at the same time, there’s this constant pull to slow down — to rediscover myself, explore new things, and heal my inner child.
It’s confusing.
On one side, I see the weight of responsibilities piling up — career, education, and adulthood — all of it feels urgent. As the first-born daughter, this pressure feels even heavier. My parents aren’t forcing me to follow a certain path, but their quiet concerns about my future speak louder than words.
On the other side, I feel this deep urge to reconnect with the person I used to be — the one who loved crafts, coloring, and simple joys. Somewhere along the way, in my desperate attempt to fit in and prove myself, I abandoned those parts of me. Trying to blend in with my peers, constantly chasing validation, made me lose sight of my authentic self.
Now, I find myself in this weird in-between — no clear path, no solid routine, and no real excitement for life. I’ve spent so much time in my comfort zone that stepping out feels terrifying.

Friendships, Loneliness, and the Fear of Being Left Out

I tried making friends, but sometimes certain people just aren’t meant to stay in your life — and that’s okay. I’ve learned that forcing yourself to fit in with the wrong crowd only makes things worse.

I constantly found myself sidelined — never a priority, always an afterthought. People-pleasing drained me to the point where I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Eventually, I distanced myself from those shallow connections and started spending more time alone.
Yes, it got lonely, but honestly? Being alone felt better than pretending to be someone I wasn’t.
I realized that no amount of changing myself to “fit in” would make the wrong people value me. The right people — those who accept your quirks, awkwardness, and genuine self — will come at the right time.

The Turning Point: Accepting Failure and Taking a Gap Year. 

Skipping college classes became a habit — not because I hated college, but because I didn’t feel like myself anymore. My grades plummeted, and by the time I realized how bad things had gotten, it felt too late.
I had wasted so many chances to fix things, but I was too stuck in my comfort zone — too caught up in my own negative thoughts — to do anything about it. My parents were stressed, and so was I. I felt like a failure.
That’s when I decided to take a gap year — something my parents weren’t too happy about. To them, it felt like I was giving up. But I knew I needed that time — not to escape, but to rebuild myself.
That year helped me find some stability, but I know I still have a long way to go. I can’t keep “going with the flow” anymore — I need to create structure in my life, build discipline, and take charge of my future.
If I don’t act now, I know things could spiral downhill again — and this time, climbing back up might be even harder.

Why I’m Starting This Blog

I created this blog to remind myself — and others — that:
• Being an introvert is perfectly okay.
• You don’t have to change yourself to fit in with people who don’t value you.
• The right people — the ones who appreciate your awkward, quirky, yet genuine self — will come into your life at the right time.
I wasted so much time trying to prove I was “worthy” of friendships with people who never made me feel like a priority. Looking back, I realized I had abandoned my own interests and identity in the process.
I hope this blog reaches teenagers and young adults who feel stuck in that same phase — unsure of themselves, doubting their worth, and constantly wondering, “Am I good enough?”
You are.
Sometimes, patience is key. The right people will come when you least expect it — but until then, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself. Don’t give up on the things you love just to seek validation from the wrong people.
Let's Grow Together
Starting this blog is my way of holding myself accountable — but I also want this space to feel like a safe corner where others can share their struggles too.

So, here’s my challenge for you:
What’s one small step you’ve been putting off?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Let’s share our goals, cheer each other on, and remind ourselves that growth doesn’t have to be perfect — it just has to start.
Here’s to turning pages, embracing imperfections, and finding the courage to keep moving forward.

Whether it’s starting a new hobby, improving your routine, or even just getting out of bed earlier — let’s take that step together.